It's That Time of the Year Again...

It's the season of love...and it's time to look back...Yep, age does that to you...You do a lot of looking back...Especially when you have spend the last fourteen valentine's days thinking about the same person....How the definition of love has changed...even when it is with the same person...Chocolates and greeting cards were valuable then...and still are...I still hold on to the first valentine's day card I received...Today, though love demands much more....like feeding my son, washing his bum....There is a sense of easy familiarity which says "Go choose the laptop you like, I'll pay for it as its my gift"...There is peace of mind, knowing that you are loved...knowing that you are in love...no matter what the form is...no matter how the definition changes....And then there is gratefulness...and happiness...that you have him in your life...that you didn't have to settle for anything less...Yep, I still think he is the best...It hasn't changed in all these years...

'Organic'ally Yours

When I wrote about my last year, I forgot to mention one major event - I bought myself an organ. I have always wanted to play the piano...My school had a piano class and they used to teach kids to take the royal college exams...I have wistfully stood outside the doors of the piano room eagerly waiting to just see it...Someone convinced my mom that a piano costs 1 lakh and above, so buying one was totally out of question. I remember asking her whether I could join classes at least and she believed that there is no point studying it without being able to practice at home...Well, all that is history...I bought my beginner level organ for 10K. I am learning to play 'Jingle Bells' and have almost learned the part for my right hand...With my kid around, it is not really easy, and I am not taking any formal lessons...But, it is the first step towards a long cherished dream...I hope to clear the Royal College exams soon...
P.S. I think the piano classes at school were so good that they really captured our imaginations...My sister too has bought an organ and she is busy enjoying her classes these days !

2011-2012

Ages since I posted here...This time around, I hope to be more consistent...Let's see...I didn't write the usual birthday post for my son, nor did I write the yearly recap or the new year post...Last year was a year of consolidation. Both myself and hubby dear had one goal each, which was paramount to both of us. Both of us made a lot of sacrifices to help reach our own goal as well as to help the other person reach the goal. Unfortunately, neither of us got what we wanted, so there was not even a scope of vicarious happiness...We are almost over it now...After all close to two months of mourning is itself quite huge for something very material in life...As with all setbacks in life, I believe both of us have emerged stronger, and probably there was a life lesson or two in the whole process...For starters, we decided not to visit the temple where we prayed religiously last year :P

The year of course had its share of happiness - we finally learned to manage kid and job by ourselves, though we also realise that we do not want to do it in the long term...We visited Europe for the first time in our lives and it was hectic, but at least good enough for us to decide that we would come back...I also managed to save up enough money to...well, not enough to do anything major with, but at least enough to boost my economic confidence one level higher...The year also made me dream a different dream! That I guess is the biggest achievement of the year....It gave me enough hope to plan for 2012.

2012 is going to be a year of experiments for me...I am no longer willing to put all my eggs in one basket...The unfulfilled goal of last year is still a goal this year for both of us and I am sure this year we will both manage to get our respective rewards! I am also going to try a lot of different things in all aspects of my life.

There is going to be some major changes in the personal,career,home, marriage and parenting fronts! I am confident of making it all work...

Here is Wishing All of You the Power to Dream and the Luck to Make Them Come True !

The Transition

Almost all the self help gyaan as well as psychologists say that you should never rely on external sources for happiness...I have often wondered how practical would that be, especially when these very same people ask you to have deep, meaningful relationships for a healthy and happy life...These seem quite contradictory to each other...When you are attached to someone in a deep, meaningful way, it is natural to wish that they are successful, and although often you can do a lot to help them be successful, it is finally upto them whether they succeed or not...

These days I am undergoing a lot of stress, because hubby is having an exam and I really want him to succeed...However, beyond a point there is a sense of helplessness - I cannot script his success and at times, I can't let him study without a bother, because, I am human and I need my break from housework as well...

It is strange how much our happiness depends on other people's lives and actions! And I think, it is when you truly realise how stupid that is, that you decide to break lose from the ties that bind you and become an ascetic...And that's why probably Sankaracharya once said that you need to experience grihasthyashramam before moving to vanaprastham!

Small Things

Often, its the small things in life that determine the day to day happiness quotient of a person...I mean, how long can you feel thrilled about the new car that you bought or the great vacation that you've had...I've seen most people I know get affected by small things to a much higher degree than the big things...And this observation is true across social strata, gender and any other divisive parameter that you may choose...
Today, I got upset about an email which never came...I don't know why exactly I paid that much importance to it..but I realised that while it is easy for others to say "don't sweat the small stuff", it is often these that actually make you sweat...And I started thinking of why .... Often, the small things are those that we do not really plan for and as a result there is rarely a plan B, we think that it is most likely to succeed and that if it doesn't then "It's no big deal"...atleast, that's what the rational brain thinks...But when these small things do not work out, it would sometimes end up being the proverbial last straw in the camel's back!

Mid Year ...

It's slightly more than mid year now…and a good time to look back on the year! It is also that time of the year when my annual appraisals happen and I typically do a lot of introspection around that time! And I have come up with a list of skills that I want to master before the end of this year, for whatever that's worth!

So here goes…

1.       How to solve a Rubik's cube – I tried learning this last month and have managed to do one face pretty fast, but after that it has become a challenge…

2.       Learn Vedic Mathematics – This is something that I should have done while I was preparing for CAT and which would have changed my entire destiny, but it is never too late and so this year I hope to master this!

3.       How to solve the Hindu crossword – Again, this was something where I took a lot of avid interest at one point in time, but it can come only through voracious reading plus practice, and somewhere I stopped trying...however I am going to restart and try this for every day starting today….

Let's see where I reach in 4 months!

Self-Discovery

Like a child who loves a new toy, I got hooked to FB, once I got the hang of it...But just like the child returning to its mother after play time, I have come back to this blog…I miss writing long posts… you can't express all thoughts in less than 55 words (or whatever the limit is!)…

Someone telling me that she misses my blog was all the shot in the arm that I needed to return here! No philosophical insights this time around, but rather few things about me that I myself was surprised to discover!

1.       I hate small talk – even if it is from my son. I like people who can articulate themselves well, even if they are lying!

2.       I am a loner. I can never get attached to anything or anyone beyond a point…

3.       I am uncomfortable in crowds…And three is crowd! I can hold a meaningful conversation with only one person at a time, unless I am giving a speech. This combined with point 1, makes me hate parties where I can't talk at length to any one person, and I am expected to talk to everyone.

4.       I love to plan…I am one of those people who can spend endless hours planning (or day dreaming) about the distant future. I work out various permutations and combinations and feel happy to then put these plans to execution. So far, this planning has played a crucial role in whatever success I have achieved in life till date. The only decision in my life that I regret is the one which I made without planning. (moving cities, lest you let your imagination run wild !)

5.       I love nature. I can sit for hours watching the sea or the rains.

6.       I believe everyone has the power of sixth sense, but very few of us use it. In my case, it sometimes scares me that I know something is about to happen.

7.       I want to explore past life regression someday, just for fun!

8.       I love to immerse myself in experiences. If I am listening to a favorite song or watching a movie or reading a book, I do not like to be disturbed…Not even for a second…I'd much rather forego the experience than have it in parts!

9.       I do not like people who think of themselves as workaholics – every single one of them I have met has been an extremely inefficient ego-bloated fool!  Afterall, you can't be passionate about just one aspect of your life – you are either passionate or you are not!

That's it – what aspect of yourselves were you surprised to discover?

Mind Space

A dear friend was once lamenting on how old friends no longer seem to have time for him. He said wistfully, “When I call them, I get this feeling as if I am no longer part of their mind space”. It was a casual statement, but it remained in my mind…
This blog was not updated because, I was very busy living life and had no time to record my thoughts…I would read my daily quota of blogs, think about what to write and then realize I have something more important to do than update this space…
In the gap meanwhile, I celebrated my birthday and vishu and went for an amazing house boat trip with my family. Mother’s day and my wedding anniversary came and went without celebrations and I took a firm resolution to unclutter my life…
The resolution started off as a simple cleaning up of my hubby’s wardrobe…Much to my chagrin, I found that there were shirts he had received as wedding gifts (5 years back) which were not even opened…He is a hoarder like most Cancerians I know, and would refuse to part with even frayed shirts citing some use for them. This time around, I cleaned up the place, gave away a lot of his old shirts and unwrapped a lot of ‘new’ ones. As expected, he didn’t even notice the absence of the old shirts!
While on the process, I was thinking about an old friend whom I tried to speak to after quite a long while. This conversation unexpectedly left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I was trying to wallow in a bit of self pity when I realized that maybe its time to move on from that friendship…Afterall, we had both travelled quite a bit of distance in this journey called life and our paths are so diametrically opposite that finding a topic of mutual interest has become difficult, resulting in the conversation being very artificial… Her refusal to talk anything about her life except in monosyllables wasn't helping, either...
And so, I decided to evaluate and clean up my mind space…Take a good hard look at who all occupy my mind and decide on some changes. This introspection brought about some very interesting revelations to me. There was an episode in my final days of college, which made me want to forget those 4 years…The mind tries to block memories which are extremely painful, and what happened has become hazy due to passage of time as well as my mind’s intense desire not to recollect the gory details…I have not spoken to anyone about it, because what happened was a malicious incident where one of my best friends was a victim (one among many) and the other best friend was widely thought of to be the perpetrator…No one knew who actually did it, and because of my firm belief in justice I still believe some day I will know who was behind it…But it has been 10 years since it happened, and most of my classmates may have forgotten about it…But I lost 2 of my best friends because of it, and there hasn’t been a single day in my life since then, when I have not thought of that incident…
Coming back to the human mind, it is a strange creature….
1. When do you decide to call it quits and file for a divorce in a relationship? I have seen straightforward cases of mental imbalance, physical violence etc where the answer is fairly easy to arrive at…But, I have also seen cases where everything seems ok, and then suddenly everything falls apart…A classic case was that of a cousin who celebrated her wedding anniversary in a hotel, danced happily (?) with her spouse and filed for divorce the very next day…
2. What makes a person fall in love with someone who is already in a relationship? I have had multiple experiences where I had clearly communicated to my ‘friend’ about being in a serious relationship, despite which they were attracted to me and tried hard to woo me…This may sound boastful, but these instances are some of the most painful memories for me…
3. Is forgiveness truly possible? Or do you just decide to live with it?
4. Is being tolerant good or is it the easy way out of standing up for your principles?
It feels good to blog!