D Company

Disease, Doctors and a Distant Diagnosis have been giving me company for the past 3 weeks. Life has been living hell, primarily because I hate situations where there are no answers...

In the course of 3 weeks, I was wildly discussed as a case study by almost all leading doctors in town and the diagnosis varied from 'a lack of positive attitude' to 'spontaneous CSF leak' (yep, go google that :)) ...
The doctor fraternity composed of distinctly 2 generations - hubby's friends and in-laws' friends...and both groups showed zero consideration towards me as an individual...The only exception was a dear friend and an ophthalmologist who went out of the way to make me feel like a human being...She sat with me through the whole day while I got my eyes tested out and patiently heard my entire sob story...
Some things that I observed ...

Hubby was quite relaxed about the whole situation, till I reached a point where I started taking leave from work..He then went on to explain to doctors "Something is wrong, else she will never take off from work..."

Medicine is still a game - I thought atleast an MRI image would be interpreted in the same way by 2 different doctors - no such luck - one thought something was wrong and the other thought that there couldn't have been a better looking brain around :)

As I suffer from bone crunching pain, I take solace in that one lesson I learned from B-school "If it doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger..."

I wonder what to answer someone who has taken away all that is dear to you and then tells you "Be positive". People dear to me tell me to ignore it, but it gnaws my heart....

In the absence of a better diagnosis, doctors have put me on severe antibiotics. Hubby meanwhile has gone off for a conference in S'pore. I was telling one of the docs (from my generation) that I was a bit upset that hubby is not around and he asked "Why? Does he help around?" and my friend (the ophthalmologist mentioned earlier) and I unanimously replied "Yes, he is a total hands-on dad"...And while that is true, there was no way I could explain why I wanted my hubby around...How do you tell someone that his was the face that always came to mind whenever there was an emotional overload in the heart....ever since the age of 16 - all victories and failures were shared with him -
sometimes he reacted the way I wanted, sometimes he did not...

When I am seething with anger and am forced to smile at someone, his ears were the ones which took the brunt later...Sometimes (or rather most times) he didn't like it...but the next time around, it was still he who heard what was in my heart...when I am writhing in pain and still telling every one who asks 'how are you?' 'I am fine', I could always cry my heart out and call out to him in pain at 2:00 in the night - it is a different matter that he snored through this crying out and only asked the next day morning "Did you call me last night?" There is no other way of life that I know of...He is more a habit than a help...And you can't replace that with anything else...

I also realised that no matter what, your parents and your sibling are the ones who will happily give up all their happiness for your sake - atleast I am blessed with such a family and I am proud of it..

 

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